C-Paps and Sex Toys

This whole getting older thing is actually humbling. Nothing brings your ass back to reality quicker than sitting in a “how to use your C-pap machine” class with a bunch of strangers. It doesn’t matter how many pairs of Hey Dudes I own, reality is I’m getting old.

I went into this C-Pap journey with an open mind. I’m less than a week in and it’s complete bullshit. For those of you that are wondering what it’s like, just imagine someone constantly blowing in your nose. The first night I lasted 30 minutes. I kept gagging. I put that damn thing on and suddenly forgot how to breathe. Last night I worked myself up to 4 hours before I took it off. Baby steps.

The good news is that this machine is more invasive than my Alexa and saves all of its data. How many hours I’ve used it, if it seals correctly, and if I have any episodes while using it. All of that data is easily accessible in the app that they have you download. Better yet, if I don’t hit a magical number of usage my insurance company will refuse coverage for non compliance.

Nightstands should be for hiding weed and sex toys, not running a C-pap with a built in humidifier for comfort. What’s next, perhaps some Velcro shoes and a pocketful of Wethers? Thank God my husband is still lovestruck after 23 years.