Flea Market Flop

Today we had nothing planned. We had put in the work on Saturday and Sunday, today was a day of rest. That was until I was scrolling FB this morning and saw that there was a flea market an hour away. The extent of my knowledge of flea markets is from the television show Flea Market Flip. I pitched the idea to my husband who was quite content sitting on the couch watching Mortal Combat.

Much to my dismay, he didn’t resist. He’s usually a good sport when I throw things like this at him but I also know he’s worked so hard this weekend that maybe today he just wanted to rest. In 30 minutes we were off. The first stop was to fill up the truck. Again, I had big expectations. I didn’t want to risk passing up a treasure because I didn’t have the room. We filled the tank and grabbed snacks. Road trip snacks are a must. Gummy bears and unsweetened tea are my go-to. He prefers Combos and water.

The trip up was uneventful. The traffic heading north was light. I performed car karaoke just as I always do, obnoxious and way off-key. We took the exit and a half a mile down the road I saw it. We had to drive by it to take it all in. Instant regret filled my soul. What a waste of time and gas. The line of people appeared endless. After much debate we decided that we were already there we might as well check it out. After verbal confirmation of our goals, our attitude, and the fact that we were just there to have fun we parked and headed toward the crowd.

The line was long but it moved pretty fast. There was a $4 entry fee. That $4 was well worth the people watching. I don’t think that I can do the scene justice but I’m going to try. Imagine it hot yet a bit windy. Dusty and pollen flying around like snowflakes. A smell that can only be described as a mix between fresh elephant ears and stale hand-rolled cigarettes. Oh, and don’t forget the bad weed. It’s possible that it’s actually good weed and we are just too old to know.

A little over an hour in I was reaching my limit. There was no furniture to refurbish or cool things to repurpose. It was tools, baseball cards, coins, and sunglasses. I’d been duped. Now don’t get me wrong there was some cool stuff that sparked some nostalgia but nothing I was willing to carry around for the next 5 miles.

We decided that we were gonna head toward the truck. I knew when I walked past the porta potties that I should just suck it up and go but I just couldn’t. The thought of squatting behind some random car was more appealing. Even with the knowledge that I would absolutely fail miserably and no doubt spend the ride home with piss down my leg. That’s how much I hate porta-potties.

So now we’ve walked the mile or five back to the truck. I still have to pee but have convinced myself that I can wait until we leave and hit the gas station up the road. When you park in a random field with zero guidance or direction there is always a risk. As we were walking up to the truck I started to panic. There was a truck parked in front of us and a Flex parked behind us. Now, which one was the asshole that blocked us in? As he stood there evaluating the distance between the cars and the big pole that was conveniently in the mix too, I realized that my desire to risk poison sumac on my vagina over a porta potty might literally bite me in the ass.

Thank GOD a couple of younger kids were walking in our direction. I asked them if the Flex was theirs and it was not, but they were parked next to it so by them moving we were able to wiggle out. If I didn’t have to pee so bad I might have gotten turned on at how upset my husband got. He’s the most mellow guy on the planet. I mean he kind of has to be with me I suppose.

I love random road trips and last minute adventures. I can honestly say I’m looking forward to enjoying this summer to the fullest extent.