My mind got spinning the other day. Suddenly I was curious what other women do to feel sexy. What makes them feel unstoppable and confident, like they can take on the world, so I naturally asked. I figured it would be interesting to compare those answers with that of men. What do men find sexy in a woman? The answers were as opposite as I predicted. But why does this matter? Let’s proceed.
Definition of sexy
1: sexually suggestive or stimulating : EROTIC
2: generally attractive or interesting : APPEALING
In my experience as a woman and a wife I will be 100% transparent and tell you that if I’m not feeling sexy, our sex life is going to suffer. Once that starts to happen, there is a slippery slope of disconnect, resentment, feelings of insecurity and ultimately rejection. Now how can we help bridge this gap? I have a theory. A 43 year old housewife who is still sexually restricted for 4 more weeks theory, but none the less a theory.
When I asked men what do they find sexy, the answers surprised me. Quite a few of them find their wives sexiest first thing in the morning. No makeup, messy hair, dragon breath and all. As a woman this is definitely not the time I shine, or at least I thought. Learning this information made me realize that the morning advances aren’t just a, let me get my rocks off before coffee, but more of a damn I find you sexy and absolutely irresistible, let’s connect. Does knowing that make a difference? For me it absolutely does. Other top answers were her eyes, her smile, the way she carries herself and confidence. None of those things cost a dime or require continuous maintenance.
The women I asked feel sexiest with a tan. Some color on their skin. A pair of good fitting jeans. Good hair days and makeup. Some ladies find that fresh pedicures and manicures make them feel good. I loved hearing that feeling strong, working out and doing physical things were also top contenders. The answers varied greatly between them. You aren’t going to put someone that feels sexy in jeans and cowboy boots into a dress and make her feel sexy. Just like you aren’t going to take a ultra feminine, lace loving, makeup wearing woman and throw her in a flannel shirt with no makeup, and expect her to feel it either. It’s not the same across the board. We weren’t wired to be simple, we are complex, but knowledge is power.
Now for my husband does knowing when I feel sexy benefit him? You bet your ass it does. As a woman it’s important to be open and honest about your wants and needs, but sometimes coming right out and saying “hey, we gonna have sex today?” is a buzz kill. If he knows when I’m feeling good chances are his advances will be well received. Not with hesitation or irritation, but mutually reciprocated. When that happens he’s gonna get a 5 star performance, vs a 2.5 star one. Ladies you know exactly what I’m taking about too. It’s ok if you just spit out your coffee reading that. We’ve all done it. I believe it’s called, just hit it and get it, cuz I’ve got shit to do.
In the early years of my marriage I was not a sexually giving wife. When the kids were younger I was quite sure I could go my entire life never having sex again. The medications that I take daily don’t help that either. Once I realized that sex motivated my husband I used it as a tool. Something I’d hold in my back pocket for just the right time when I needed something done, or I wanted something in return. I’m not proud of it, just being honest.
Thank God he stuck around and can now reap the benefits of a 40 something woman with new found love of her body and the knowledge that his needs are absolutely as important as mine. He see’s my stretch marked stomach as a magical place that grew his children. My gravity ridden boobs don’t bother him a bit. They are fascinated with boobs in general. Ladies unleash those puppies, do not hide them in a bra. Turn on the damn lights, and be the fucking goddess that you are meant to be.
Communication is the real key to bridging the gap. Tell your partner what makes you feel sexy. Let them tell you what they find sexy about you, don’t brush them off when they tell you. Being open, honest, and non judgmental will go far. There’s no reason to be embarrassed about letting them know what you like, and don’t like, what feels good, and what doesn’t. They won’t know unless you tell them. They are a lot of things but mind readers and subtle hint decoders they are not. I don’t care if it’s been 30 years, it’s never too late. Life’s short, the sex should be good.