You want me to do what now?

My uterus has never been my friend. From its lack of cooperation with my first child, to its monthly reminder that I am in fact not invincible. I’m done having babies. My tubes are tied and I’ve had an ablation. My diagnosis of Adenomyosis came about 3 years ago. I wasn’t ready to explore any permanent options at that time. Fast forward to today, and I would pay someone to rip it out in the middle of a dirty warehouse organ harvesting ring.

I’ve been waiting for today’s appointment at Urogynecology and pelvic reconstruction surgery for months. Imagine my surprise when my period decided to start yesterday. I was pretty sure that any physical exam would be nixed, and that it would be more like a meet and greet. Of course when I relayed that to some close friends I found out that they do in fact perform exams while you’re menstruating. I’m sorry what? Never is 42 years had I ever heard that, hell to the no.

This morning was a rough one. I rocked back and forth while humming, to distract myself from the pain and nausea kind of morning. Thank God my kids are great. My youngest got me 4 ibuprofen and coffee in bed. Once she left the meds kicked in and I fell back asleep for 3 hours. At 11:00 I drug myself out of bed and showered. I’m quite certain the dark cold rainy day did not help my disposition. No matter how awful I feel, there is no way in hell I’m leaving the house without looking put together. Fake it till ya make it mantra right here.

I’m not a country bumpkin but I’m not a city slicker either. Driving downtown doesn’t intimidate me but usually I have a bit more time for wiggle room. Anything medical related in Grand Rapids is on Michigan Ave. It’s actually knick named the Medical Mile. My dad recently had a stay at the heart center, so that got me quite accustomed to the area, and it’s many parking garages. I made my way to 25 Michigan and parked in the ramp like a champ. Made it to my appointment with 5 minutes to spare.

As we entered the exam room I immediately noticed the dreaded set up. You know the one. The sheet, the hospital socks and the tray that is covered like it’s hiding something super special. Son of a bitch, this isn’t just a meet and greet. After the nurse asked me all of the normal questions I explained that I had never actually had an exam while menstruating. She just laughed me off and explained that they do it all the time, and it’s no big deal. She then proceeded to let me know that after I empty my bladder I can undress from the waist down and sit on the puppy pee pad that they had waiting for me. Ok, maybe she didn’t say that, but I’m certain she could have.

The next 40 minutes felt like days. You know when you can hear through the walls and you can tell they are nowhere close to coming into seeing you yet. I thought many things in that time. One being the idea of “free bleeding” has always been unimaginable to me, but now it was definitely off the table as ever being a viable option. I did have a nice conversation with my husband via text and killed a few games of solitaire. Then the dreaded knock.

In walks in a woman a bit older than I had expected, but masks make it tricky to tell. As she sat down I instantly told her I’ve never done this before. She had a puzzled look as she asked what exactly had I never done before. Suddenly I sounded like a collage girl professing that I’ve never had a one night stand, except I was a 42 year old woman who never had a Pap smear during her period. She literally said, “it’s no big deal, just don’t make me look in your mouth.” I found that humorous considering I look in mouths all day long and have no problem, but this was creeping me out.

Once the 2 minute exam was over it really wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be. Of course any sense of pride that I had was gone, but that shits overrated anyway. Dr. Leary stepped out so I could get dressed and then she came back in for “the talk”. She confirmed what we already knew. I have Adenomyosis, and it’s a real bitch. We talked about a couple of options and I decided that the only fool proof way to end this nonsense is a hysterectomy.

I’m scheduled for surgery and it looks like this uterus will get one last hurrah before we part ways. I’m all over the place with emotions. I want to be free from the pain, but I don’t want to feel like less of a woman. I’m going to stay off Google and occupy myself with Pinterest boards about recipes I’ll never make and home projects that will never get done. This journey isn’t over but there is a light at the end of the tunnel.