I remember you. You were young, a bit cocky and over confident. You played the field and played it well. Life was your playground. Attention was an addiction to you, luckily you never had withdrawals. The eyes, the smile, the perky boobs, the friendly disposition, weren’t you something. You thought 40 year old women were so old. You actually used to laugh at the fact that KY lubricant was even a thing. I mean who even needed that? Let me laugh, as I can now assure you, that you do.
You will float through life pretty much on a cloud. Things will fall in your lap, and you’ll always come out on top. There are a few things that will come along and knock you down a notch, but you’ll come back because you’re a fighter. You’ll have a career that will help fulfill your servant side. You’ll live in a wonderful community. Your husband will be a saint, and your kids will be beautiful. Then you’ll turn 42 in 2020….
You’re gonna lose your shit. You will literally think you’re going insane. The year of Covid isolation coupled with your anxiety and depression is a mix for disaster. You’ll get through it because again, you always do. It won’t be pretty but you’re going to learn a lot about yourself and those you love. Let me save you some time, and heartache, and share some tips with you.
When you suddenly decide that you’d like to shave your vajaja bald, do a quick google search. Don’t do it on a whim in the shower with a not so new razor. Apparently there are actual products, and techniques to do this successfully. Doing it wrong will result in the worst diaper rash/ razor burn in the history of personal grooming. Your friends however will get a kick out of it, and you’ll suddenly wish your mature beaver back ASAP.
When you think you need an apartment and that you’d like to leave your husband and kids and never come back, maybe slow your roll. Stop, breathe, and let your girlfriends take you away. Sit in the Driscoll cottage in your cozy pajamas, lay in the electric recliner and watch episodes of Criminal Minds and Drunk History. Eat M&M’s, gummy bears and play scratch off lotto tickets. Laugh with them but also listen to them. They have so much knowledge to share, and truly love you so much that they will be honest.
Book the vacation. It’s ok if it’s only a long weekend. It’s going to be a change from the mundane. It will give you something to look forward to. Go hit the tanning salon. I know the risks, but the mental risks at this point, far outweigh the physical ones. Plus the tan lines will make you feel sexy. Taking back a bit of power from the grey and dreary.
Honestly at 42 you’ll start to finally be comfortable in your skin. The realization that some of the things about yourself that you don’t like are never going to change. You’ll look at your body differently. You’ll be proud of it. You’ll find yourself more sexually comfortable and believe it or not you’ll actually have an appreciation for KY and underwear that covers your ass. I’m not saying don’t enjoy your youth, but I can assure you 42 doesn’t feel as old as you’d think.
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