Brutally honest in 2021

Starting out 2021 being brutally honest with myself.

I’ve been struggling. I’ve been struggling with emotions that I’ve never experienced before. For awhile I could bury them under my crooked smile, and I tried to preoccupy my mind with being positive and helping others. Surfing Pinterest for inspiration has been a part time job. It’s almost as if the more inspirational quotes I post, the less I struggle. The problem is that’s not true, not in the slightest.

It’s no secret that winter is not my favorite. The lack of sunlight and feeling trapped always kicks my ass. Usually I prepare myself. I always have a doctors appointment in October to re evaluate my meds. I up the vitamin D and strap myself in for the ride. This year was different though. The year of isolation and restrictions, wore me down. The lack of social interaction, the lack of uncontrollable laughter at ladies nights, the lack of getting dressed up and going out, the abrupt end to everything that makes me happy, broke me. I tried to push through, but this time it’s different.

I recently got to a place where I thought the best thing for me would be to leave. Leave my husband, leave my kids and start fresh. Start a new life in a quiet one bedroom apartment. I even told my husband that I wanted to move out for 3 months and see how it goes. Needless to say that was not well received, and the whole conversation went completely opposite then it had played it out in my head. Which is honestly usually the case. That option is off the table right now. Not only did I hit him out of left field, I did it in the kitchen, while drying dishes after Christmas dinner. Timing has never been my strong suit.

I believe they call this shit a mid life crisis. I don’t want a sports car, liposuction, or a sugar daddy. I just want to find myself. The problem is I have no idea who that is. I want to feel like I’m leaving my mark in this world. Not as a wife, or a mother, but as myself, my authentic self. I want to feel more purposeful. I’m not here to simply exist, this is something I’ve always known.

By now you may be totally taken off guard or wondering why in the hell I’m sharing such intimate things, here’s why. I know that I am not alone. I know that some of you are struggling too. You may be better at hiding it, or maybe you are just trying to hold on by a thread. Either way, I want you to know you are not alone. It’s ok, to not be ok. I am glad you are here with me on this journey. I’m sure it will be eye opening, raw, sometimes painful but also diluted with laughter, love and adventure.

What now? Therapy is definitely on the top of my to do list. Right now making other people happy is not my priority, my entire being is depending on me taking care of me first. It’s not selfish, at this point it’s survival. I am searching for a new hobby to relieve stress and bring peace. I have invested in some painting supplies and am excited to close the door on the world and just paint.

Self care is not an expense, it’s an investment 💕

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