I haven’t written in a bit because frankly I had nothing to say. This time of year is incredibly hard for me anyway, but add the Covid factor and I was beginning to spiral. It’s no secret that I have anxiety and depression. I have medicated for years. I’d say that 9 out of 12 months I’ve got a handle on it. It’s the 3 that I don’t, that tries to break me.
With everything that’s happened in the last month and a half, I’ve put on my brave face and powered through. Truth is every bit of my insides were in turmoil. The weight of the world was crushing me. I try so hard to be everything for everyone that I started to lose me.
My relationship with my husband became routine. Not bad, just routine. He would do anything in the world for me if I asked. The problem is, I didn’t have the energy to ask, and truthfully, I was a bit resentful at the thought that I had to. I was running on empty and he didn’t realize it.
We have always been that annoying as hell couple. The ones that sit together in a booth at the restaurant. We’ve had complete strangers tell us multiple times how adorable we are together. We have had conversations about other people’s relationships. It’s always been fascinating to us how you get to the point of divorce. How do you love someone with all of your being, and then suddenly not. It didn’t make any sense until recently.
Let me clarify, I was not anywhere near the point of wanting a divorce. I was however, at the point where I was fragile and could start to visualize a life without him. Which we all know is absolute absurdity. I imagined my kids being broken, all 3 of them. What would my friends say? Would we be those awesome co parenting couples or would he despise the sight of me? Those thoughts ran through my head like a runaway roller coaster more frequently than I’d like to admit. I was mentally and physically close to a breakdown.
Today something clicked with me. I was sitting next to him while he played a video game and I wasn’t wearing any pants. I’ll admit I was teasing a bit. I thought for sure he’d love the idea of me bare legged and frisky. There I sat pant less and he didn’t flinch. Never looked up and didn’t even notice. It was clear, that we were in trouble. I deserve to be a priority, and no one is usually capable of making me that like my husband. I farmed our my kids for the night and told him we were going on a date. I had no idea where we were going to go, but I knew it didn’t matter. I did my hair and makeup like the old days. He got dressed and wore his fancy shoes. There is something incredibly sexy about a man with nice shoes.
I figured once we were in the car I’d somehow start the conversation. There we were, me driving, him stuck with nowhere to go in the passengers seat, and I verbally vomited on him. I told him I need him to validate me. I need him to tell me how much he wants me, how much he needs me, how sexy he finds me and how wonderful he thinks I am. I need to hear that from my husband, not anyone else. I know he thinks those things, but Damit I’m needy, and want to hear it. I need to hear it.
He sat there a bit shocked. I threw him for a loop. He felt terrible. There I was as vulnerable as I’ve ever been in my life. For the first time being 100% honest about my needs and it actually felt good. Then I asked the question, “when was the last time you kissed me? Not good morning, not goodnight, but kissed me?” “I’m talking grab my ass in the kitchen and kiss me like you think I hang the moon”, dead silence…I actually started to cry. Tears were streaming down my face. My cheeks were burning. How did we get here? Not knowing the answer, was in fact actually the answer. We didn’t know, neither of us knew how long it had been.
He grabbed my hand and promised to make more of an effort. I felt the weight lift off of my shoulders. I don’t know why it took me so long to let down my wall and actually communicate with the one person that knows me and loves me more than anything in the whole world. I don’t do the backseat, never have. Maybe it’s the only child syndrome, but I need to be first, and ride shotgun. I’m spoiled as hell, but he did that. He’s always done that.
Tonight we slow danced at the outlet mall. Piss on you Covid. I needed this. We took advantage of the fireplace, the music, and the people watching us didn’t even phase us. We were celebrating. We celebrated winning this battle. I’m sure there will be more, but this time I’ll be better prepared. We came home and listened to music while we ate Carrabbas take out. He had a martini and made me a gin and tonic. We talked and laughed, it has been too long since we’ve done that. He led me to the bedroom and validated what I already knew. I know it’s TMI but I think it’s important to incorporate the importance of intimacy for us both.
I’m not an expert at anything. I don’t pretend to be. What I do know though, is if you are like me and you’re struggling, be vulnerable. Let down your wall. Don’t be ashamed of sharing what you need. Your needs deserve to be met, and he deserves the opportunity to try. You’re worth it I promise.